Fast food presidents mimicking Chick-fil-A bigotry

Believe discriminatory statements will cause spike with conservative diners

LOUISVILLE, KY. — After Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy’s anti-gay marriage comments had Republican diners patronizing the restaurant in hordes Aug. 1, other franchise presidents are trying bigoted comments of their own to increase sales.

KFC president John Cywinski is hoping his “Traditional Marriage Squared” one-man promo will attract the same attention as Cathy’s traditional marriage statement.

“Chick-fil-A is anti-gay marriage? Big deal. What do they think of interracial marriage?” Cywinski said. “In fact, our buckets will no longer integrate dark and white meat. It’s the Kentucky way!”

Similar to Chick-fil-A, KFC has already received some support from prominent conservatives. Newt Gingrich and Pat Buchanan have recorded YouTube messages to their fans, urging them to participate in KFC’s “Segregation Appreciation.”

Wendy’s is also trying to draw small-government conservatives to its chains across the country, with a special “No-USDA day,” which carries a slogan of “Keep the government’s greasy fingers out of my greasy food.”

Wendy’s president Emil Brock was quick to point out that its special day does not discriminate.

“We don’t want to come off as homophobic or racist in any way, unlike our competitors,” he said. “Instead, we are aiming to promote small government. Our consumers know our ingredients are fresh from the farm, transported to an automated slaughterhouse, shipped via non-refrigerated truck to a processing plant, unloaded by trustworthy drivers at the restaurant and handled by hygienic teenagers at the restaurant before a customer is served.

“Wendy’s customers don’t need some bureaucrat meddling in that process,” Brock added.

Ron Paul and his son Rand Paul have announced they intend to patronize Wendy’s during No-USDA Day.

Surprisingly, Wendy’s has drawn some ire from conservatives — though not for its No-USDA Day celebration.

“This restaurant, Wendy’s, thinks we Republicans are stupid enough to buy into this,” Rush Limbaugh wheezed over the radio waves. “But I’ll NEVER forgive them for introducing salads on its menu, and then using sea salt on its fries.”

The Barnum Bulletin is a news satire blog written by Tim Barnum. Follow him on Twitter @timbarnum

Mitt Romney says ‘I told ya so’ after ACA ruled constitutional

Supporters stand behind change in tone

MASSACHUSETTS — Presidential candidate Mitt Romney reacted to the Supreme Court’s June 28 ruling upholding the Affordable Care Act with a resounding “I told ya so” during a stump speech soon after the court’s opinion was announced.

“When we put a similar plan into place while I was Governor in Massachusetts, some doubted it could work,” Romney said. “Now it’s official. My healthcare law is constitutional, and will remain the law of the land for Americans everywhere.”

The GOP candidate did not lose focus when he was reminded that President Barack Obama was the one who signed the law in 2010, and continued to take credit for the law.

“Every American can have access to affordable health insurance thanks to my plan, and for that I will not apologize,” he said. “I applaud the Supreme Court for siding with the people and ignoring those calling for a repeal.”

It was a stark difference from a few days ago, when Romney swore he would repeal the law, known to many as “Obamacare,” if here elected in November. While many members of the media were confused by Romney’s change in tone, supporters at his campaign rally took his new stance on the issue in stride.

“One thing I’ve learned about Mitt is, you got to let him be himself,” said Jerry Peters, one of many white men older than 45 at the rally. “Whoever the hell that is, I don’t know, but at least he’s white!”

Peters then started a “Repeal Obamacare” chant.

Dogs belonging to Obama, Romney to square off in televised debate

ATLANTA — Controversy about Mitt Romney transporting his dog Seamus via a car rooftop crate 30 years ago, and about President Barack Obama eating dog as a six-year-old in Indonesia, has prompted a televised debate featuring dogs representing both candidates.

CNN will air the debate. CNN host Wolf Blitzer said the debate will settle who truly is “dog’s best friend.”

“It’s important for Americans to realize the importance of this event. To put it in historical context, you have to compare it to the televised debates between JFK and Richard Nixon,” he said. “A recent poll showed 75 percent of voters rank this debate as more important than the Vice Presidential debate.”

First dog Bo will represent the President in the debate. Romney is yet to name a running mate.

Pundits from both the left and the right have weighed in regarding the debate.

“This debate will truly expose the president as what he is,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity. “Everyone will see Obama’s true colors — an anti-American socialist who eats dogs. And probably aborted fetuses, too.”

“Barack Obama ate dog that was fed to him when he was just a child,” said Rachel Maddow, host of “The Maddow Report,” on MSNBC. “Mitt Romney was old enough to know better and rich enough to fly Seamus first class. He is also an out-of-touch Wall Street puppet who wants to wage a war on working people and Iran. Surely the dog representing him will be no different.”

Dog whisperer Cesar Milan will host the debate. He told the Bulletin questions will focus on several important topics — the economy, national defense, the deficit, proper ass-sniffing etiquette in public, eating vomit and the legality of humping a stranger’s leg.

TMZ wins Pulitzer for Breaking News coverage

Coverage of Lana Del Ray leaving bar called ‘new standard’

Harvey Levin is using words like “justified” and “legitimized” after his paparazzi-based brand of sensationalized journalism was awarded the 2012 Journalism Pulitzer Prize for Breaking News.

The Pulitzer jury singled out TMZ.com’s coverage of Lana Del Ray leaving a bar, visibly drunk and escorted by what appeared to be two men in drag, while pushing a baby in a stroller as the coverage garnering the award.

“TMZ created a new standard for all journalists to follow,” read the Pulitzer website. “Catching Lana Del Ray vomiting and lighting a marijuana cigarette behind the tinted windows of an Escalade was truly courageous, and showed the true power of journalism.”

Levin, TMZ’s creator, said the award establishes TMZ as a top news source, rivaling other 2012 Pulitzer winners like The Philadelphia Inquirer (winner for Public Service) and the New York Times (Explanatory Reporting). Levin said he believes TMZ will win another Pulitzer in the near future.

“I think Snooki’s pregnancy is going to be heavily considered in 2013 for investigative reporting,” Levin said. “But who knows? Mel Gibson might lose his shit again, which could lead to a Pulitzer repeat in Breaking News.”

Posted April 17, 2012

SPECIAL REPORT: Penis questions nearly caused Romney to pull out

Campaign considered releasing dick pic

During a C-SPAN segment where callers can ask question to politicians and party representatives live on the air, a series of inquiries regarding Mitt Romney’s penis size nearly forced the now presumptive nominee to pull out of the GOP race.

The calls, which were made in January leading up to the New Hampshire Republican primary, caught the campaign with its pants down, according to Romney advisors.

“Alleged flip-flops, questions regarding our candidate’s conservative beliefs, and accusations of Mitt being out-of-touch due to his wealth — all that we were ready for,” said Romney advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, who is best known for his Etch A Sketch comment. “But penis issues… well that was one area Governor Romney where had not been vetted.”

Campaign Manager Matt Rhoads said the penetrating calls created several long, hard nights for he and his staff.

“I was constantly on the phone with Mitt, while simultaneously trying to run damage control,” he said. “Mr. Romney wanted to know if he should make an announcement, the press wanted answers and the RNC wanted assurance that it wouldn’t be throwing money at a ‘loser with a tiny dong’ come fall if we won the nomination.”

Senior Advisor Bob Wickers admitted the Romney team was not as transparent on the penis issue as other campaigns when the controversy, now known as “Dick Gate," surfaced.

“We should’ve talked about this back in 2010, when we started this campaign,” he said. “But we were so busy kissing the tea party’s ass — and God knows a big penis is a bad thing to the tea party, which usually associates them with black people — that we skipped over the issue entirely.”

Exit polls taken after Dick Gate first surfaced shoed voters indeed knew less about Romney’s penis than the other candidates. Voters ranked penis recognition as follows, with the common answers shown in parentheses:

1. Rick Santorum (in a chastity belt)

2. Herman Cain (swinging all over the place)

3. Newt Gingrich (gets sick of being in the same place a long time)

4. Ron Paul (needs Viagra)

5. Rick Perry (doesn’t understand how sex works yet)

6. Michelle Bachmann (N/A)

7. Mitt Romney (think he has one, but that’s all I know).

According to Rhoads, the campaign weighed a dick pic press release, but worried that could offend conservative Christian voters. He added the campaign was also unsure of the proper techniques of taking dick pics.

“Mitt says his wife tells him it’s a ‘nice size,’ and we were going to make that our official statement,” Rhoads said. “But we knew that wouldn’t be enough for voters. Some time sooner or later, we knew we’d have to take a stand on an issue and not say the complete opposite the next day.”

Wickers said after it seemed there were no answers, the former Governor considered suspending his campaign.

“Yeah, no pun intended, but he thought Dick Gate had really screwed him,” he said. “It looked like this whole thing was going to blow prematurely.”

However Romney, showing his political savvy, finally came through in the end, Fehrnstrom said.

“One night after Mitt attended a traditional Mormon post-mortem baptism, he got drunk as hell,” he said. “The press pool was on the bus and Governor Romney just barged in, whipped down his pants and shouted ‘There you go everybody! Here’s my dick!’”

All photos taken of Romney’s penis were allegedly destroyed, but some insight into the issue has been made available. Reporters following Romney told the Bulletin it was “About what you’d expect form Mitt Romney — nothing spectacular, pretty boring and vanilla, easily forgettable.”

Posted April 11, 2012

Gingrich: Ghost of Reagan endorsed me

In a move many are chalking up to desperation, Newt Gingrich claimed March 22 that the ghost of late President Ronald Reagan endorsed him in the 2012 Republican Primary.

“I was visited by the Gipper in a dream last night, and he said ‘Newt, I think you’re the one,’” Gingrich said to a nearly empty room during a campaign stop in Louisiana. “He even autographed some copies of my book ‘Rediscovering God in America,’ which features photography work by my third wife Callista.”

The former Speaker of the House, who some allege is continuing his campaign solely out of ego, said the Reagan-signed books are selling for $50, while the edition signed by Gingrich alone cost $150.

The Republican presidential candidates have courted Reagan, the last Republican any American liked, heavily. But Reagan’s ghost has remained quiet throughout the primary process.

Frontrunner Mitt Romney said he was skeptical of Newt’s claim of Reagan’s endorsement.

“Reagan was an actor before he was a politician, and I’m handsome, so if his ghost was going to endorse anyone, it would be me,” the former Massachusetts Governor said.

Soon after making the comments, Romney spoke to a group of unattractive supporters in Louisiana who called themselves “Mutants for Mitt.” He retracted part of his earlier statement.

“I jut like y’all,” Romney said with an obviously fake Cajun brogue. “I’s not purty, I’s ugly too.”

Rick Santorum, who hopes to score enough second-place finishes to win the Republican nomination, said there is no such thing as the ghost of Reagan.

“Saying there’s a ghost of President Reagan means that President Reagan’s not in Heaven,” he said. “Newt’s lying. In my book that’s blasphemy.”

Santorum added Jesus recently endorsed him.

Attempts to make contact with the ghost of Reagan via Ouija Board were unanswered. 

Originally posted March 22, 2012

Unnamed players tell unnamed source Peyton Manning unhappy

INDIANAPOLIS — An employee of the Indianapolis Colts organization said several players on the team disclosed to him that quarterback Peyton Manning is upset with news of the Colts’ plans to draft Andrew Luck.

“A player who wished to remain anonymous told me Peyton threw a bit of a tantrum,” said the employee who wished to remain anonymous. “This player, and I can’t tell you who he is, said Peyton was shouting ‘Shoot dang! Y’all are tryin’ ta run me outta town!’”

He added that other players shared similar stories.

“A different player … and I’ll give you a clue, it wasn’t Jeff Saturday, said Peyton was even crying at one point, saying ‘I’ll show them. I’ll make more commercials than ever’ between sobs,” the employee, who is not Colts GM Ryan Grigson said.

The unnamed source, who agreed to an interview on the condition his identity not be made public, said some offensive players told him they could feel Manning’s pain.

“I mean, he’s done so much for the franchise,” an unidentified player said in an e-mail that was forwarded to Tim Barnum Comedy from the anonymous employee. “Sure he’s getting old, but do we want to release him into the world now? What if he gets lost? I know I’ll sure feel bad.”

A second-string special teams player, who offered to speak on the record, but was practically anonymous anyways, said he hopes this means a new beginning for Indianapolis.

“Peyton sucks. Stick a fork in him, he’s done,” the second-stringer said. “Can you please use my name? It might get me some publicity. Please? Come on, dude. I’ll take anything I can get.”

No attempts were made to reach any other sources for on-the-record statements.

Posted Jan. 17, 2012