Believe discriminatory statements will cause spike with
conservative diners
LOUISVILLE, KY. — After Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy’s
anti-gay marriage comments had Republican diners patronizing the restaurant in
hordes Aug. 1, other franchise presidents are trying bigoted comments of their
own to increase sales.
KFC president John Cywinski is hoping his “Traditional
Marriage Squared” one-man promo will attract the same attention as Cathy’s
traditional marriage statement.
“Chick-fil-A is anti-gay marriage? Big deal. What do they
think of interracial marriage?” Cywinski said. “In fact, our buckets will no
longer integrate dark and white meat. It’s the Kentucky way!”
Similar to Chick-fil-A, KFC has already received some
support from prominent conservatives. Newt Gingrich and Pat Buchanan have
recorded YouTube messages to their fans, urging them to participate in KFC’s
“Segregation Appreciation.”
Wendy’s is also trying to draw small-government conservatives
to its chains across the country, with a special “No-USDA day,” which carries a
slogan of “Keep the government’s greasy fingers out of my greasy food.”
Wendy’s president Emil Brock was quick to point out that its
special day does not discriminate.
“We don’t want to come off as homophobic or racist in any
way, unlike our competitors,” he said. “Instead, we are aiming to promote small
government. Our consumers know our ingredients are fresh from the farm,
transported to an automated slaughterhouse, shipped via non-refrigerated truck
to a processing plant, unloaded by trustworthy drivers at the restaurant and
handled by hygienic teenagers at the restaurant before a customer is served.
“Wendy’s customers don’t need some bureaucrat meddling in
that process,” Brock added.
Ron Paul and his son Rand Paul have announced they intend to
patronize Wendy’s during No-USDA Day.
Surprisingly, Wendy’s has drawn some ire from conservatives
— though not for its No-USDA Day celebration.
“This restaurant, Wendy’s, thinks we Republicans are stupid
enough to buy into this,” Rush Limbaugh wheezed over the radio waves. “But I’ll
NEVER forgive them for introducing salads on its menu, and then using sea salt
on its fries.”
The Barnum Bulletin is a news satire blog written by Tim Barnum. Follow him on Twitter @timbarnum
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